Eulogy for the life I thought I would have

Hiding in the the background of all the moments of my 36 years was an idea of I life I thought I'd have. Nothing about this life was too outlandish. It all seemed reasonable and very much in my grasp. Shaped by culture, the time, and my influences, I built imaginary brick by imaginary brick an idea of the life I should have. As time progressed the vision that hid in the background peeked out from the shadows and alerted me if my imaginary dwelling matched my reality. At times it did in some form, but many other times it did not.

I need to now lay down the life that I thought I would have, not because I don't believe in infinite possibilities, but because my ideas have me stuck in the reality of my current circumstances. So, I pick up the shovel dig a deep hole and place in it things I thought I needed to be happy -career, accolades, more children, closer family connections, and better health. My current reality is not what I would have chosen, but if I can lay all of my ideas down and deeply mourn what I thought would be, I know my tears will nourish the soil and something beautiful will spring up - a new dream. Different, yes, but perhaps even greater than I allowed myself to dream.