now or looking ahead
Yesterday I read an obituary about a women the same age as me. Her name was Rachel Held Evans. I actually hadn't heard of her until I read her obituary. I follow many of her contemporaries but had never read her work until yesterday. She also had 2 young children, one - a baby, just like me. She was a New York Times bestselling author, but more than that impressive accomplishment, she lived and wrote with confidence and conviction. She made ripples, and her words healed a lot of wounds. Wounds of people who were burned by Christians and the evangelic church - such important work. What has shaken me to the core is this : she was my age, had no clue that her life was going to be cut short, but she lived every day leading up to her illness with intention.
I'm writing this with my one-month-old son on my lap. He is there instead of the napper in the room because he is colicky. He wants to be held most of the day which is a challenge when one needs to do anything that requires hands or bending. But I will say this, he is forcing me to be present and attach to him and the here and now. I wish I could say I have this natural drive to attach, especially since this is the child for which I prayed, and prayed, and prayed, but my tendency is to always be looking to the next adventure. I want new, freedom, a path, something that inspires, something bigger. So the mundane every day is very hard for me.
However, today I'm thinking about Rachel. She didn't know that just about a month before her 38th birthday she would go into the hospital for the flu and UTI and not come out. I don't know when my last day will be, and I'm trying to grapple with making it count in not just a big way but in the every day. My son needs to be held, so I will do my best to hold him well because he and I both need it. And I will write every day I can and express the passions I have with confidence and conviction, even if that means while he naps in my lap. I'm going to do my best to be present with what is around me and intentional with the gifts within me.
I'm writing this with my one-month-old son on my lap. He is there instead of the napper in the room because he is colicky. He wants to be held most of the day which is a challenge when one needs to do anything that requires hands or bending. But I will say this, he is forcing me to be present and attach to him and the here and now. I wish I could say I have this natural drive to attach, especially since this is the child for which I prayed, and prayed, and prayed, but my tendency is to always be looking to the next adventure. I want new, freedom, a path, something that inspires, something bigger. So the mundane every day is very hard for me.
However, today I'm thinking about Rachel. She didn't know that just about a month before her 38th birthday she would go into the hospital for the flu and UTI and not come out. I don't know when my last day will be, and I'm trying to grapple with making it count in not just a big way but in the every day. My son needs to be held, so I will do my best to hold him well because he and I both need it. And I will write every day I can and express the passions I have with confidence and conviction, even if that means while he naps in my lap. I'm going to do my best to be present with what is around me and intentional with the gifts within me.
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