Plot twist

 "Mommy, I want a baby brother or sister, but I know God doesn't give us everything we ask for." This sweet poignant comment came after many conversations of faith with my four-year-old. Liv noticed most of her friends have siblings and would ask why she didn't. I shared, fighting back tears, that sometimes God gives you what you want and other times He doesn't and we don't really know why, but He is good and we need to work through how.

As I have tried to process our story, I've tried to use it as an opportunity to teach Liv that life can be tough and confusing, and it is good to wrestle with the hard questions and disappointments. Pat answers can leave you with a nice feeling for a moment, but drilling down into the tough stuff develops a weatherproof soul. I so want this for Liv. I need this for me.

A friend mentioned how we can only find emotional balance if we learn how to hold the good (met expectations & blessings) with the bad (sadness, disappointment, loss, & longing). If we try to drop one for the sake of the other, we go off kilter and throw a way a very real part of our story. We have to hold both in tension.

My blessings are definitely abundant. For one, I have the greatest guy to call my husband. He has integrity, is intuitive, and talking and spending time with him is my very favorite thing on earth. Liv - I am just in awe of her, and the cool human she is turning into. And the fact that I get to be her mom? I'm so humbled. We have great family and friends and have all our needs and many wants provided.

Then, there is the tension - the longings that still exist. We have a failed adoption after over 6 years, something I still can't reconcile and am not sure where that path goes from here. It was, after all, a very real and distinct calling to adopt a child that needed a home. We lost one baby that I look forward to meeting in eternity one day. These things are deeply sad. But, they don't override all the good.

As I continue to learn this skill of holding things in tension, life continues to ebb and flow and I get to practice balancing the load daily. And, God being an amazing and dynamic storyteller himself, recently crafted a pretty amazing plot twist. In August I learned that through the scars of my past miscarriage, the little embryo that could passed through what was nearly impassable and landed safely and healthily in my womb. Today, I am 14 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. I humbled that I get to do this again. God is good. He was good in the loss and He is good in the celebration.