Life giving -- Life sucking
Now that I am in my own space, fear and doubt are creeping in. I know that I don't always have the most accurate perception of reality. But, it seems like I haven't had a win in a long time. I feel like I'm overdue for a "w."
I do know this - I love my writing space. It feels so me, and I am still figuring out what that really means. Being in here writing, reading, and researching is all I want to do.
There is the reality of duty, We all have it. There are things that in order to be a functional member of society we need to do. The reality is I am a mother of a little one and a wife and those realities come with responsibility. I will do these things, and most often, happily. That is, if I have a balance of life giving things in my life. When my life is off-kilter, I don't have such a cheerful heart.
I really want to quit my day job, and just write. But, there are bills.
My own space makes me feel cared for. I've created an extension of myself- colorful, fun, and creative. Those are the aspects that can buried under too many imagined or real responsibilities. I, like millions, love Eat, Pray, Love. A women's life is in crisis, and a complete overhaul is needed. She leaves the country a spends a year exploring 3 different aspects of the human experience. She leaves the comfortable, the norm, to try to reset her life. In a less dramatic fashion, that is this room for me. I really, really needed to shake things up. I was very stuck in a sad place.
So, other than this room, what gives me life? Water. I am convinced I am part mermaid. Water soothes me, calms my worried heart, and I can actually breathe. Throw in a sunset, and I'm full-on zen. Inspiring friends. I want to talk about big ideas and dream and encourage each other to do. Oh, and you need to be funny and a bit adventurous. A homebody I am not. Except when I'm sad, then give me netfllix and snacks. Date night. I dig my husband. He is my absolutely favorite person to talk to about all things life. I realize this is a very unique treasure and I cherish it, not perfectly because, you know I'm only human. Aesthetics. I like I the pretty things - home decor, clothes, oh Lord, yes the clothes. I love the patterns, colors, and mixing and matching them all. Lifting. This one is a newly realized delight in my life. I have tried all different exercise trends, and at 37, I finally found something I will consistently do -lift. I am over caring that I will get too bulky. I don't think anyone I know is at true risk of looking like Hans and Frans. The Lord made me sturdy and I'd rather that be toned sturdy, so I'm going with that. Travel. It doesn't have to be exotic, but I love discover new places and doing some good old fashioned people watching. It reminds me of God's creativity and vastness. He knows and loves each and every soul.
What, then, is sucking me dry? My dang-gone scarcity mind-set. I regularly think the bottom will drop out, things will get worse, or continue to get worse with no end. This is deeply routed in some things I lived through, but still, it's not real. Working too much. Yes, I have a part-time job, but the hours I need to complete in a week go well beyond the amount of hours my daughter is in school. This manifests in a daily tension of what gets my attention - work? child? husband? cleaning? cooking? other errands? Oye. Too many homogeneous spaces. It happens, I know, but I can't handle the we all think like this comments. This is likely the disrupter and questioner in me that bucks hard against this.
So, I pray for better balance and hopefully each day I'll be better than the day before.
I do know this - I love my writing space. It feels so me, and I am still figuring out what that really means. Being in here writing, reading, and researching is all I want to do.
There is the reality of duty, We all have it. There are things that in order to be a functional member of society we need to do. The reality is I am a mother of a little one and a wife and those realities come with responsibility. I will do these things, and most often, happily. That is, if I have a balance of life giving things in my life. When my life is off-kilter, I don't have such a cheerful heart.
I really want to quit my day job, and just write. But, there are bills.
My own space makes me feel cared for. I've created an extension of myself- colorful, fun, and creative. Those are the aspects that can buried under too many imagined or real responsibilities. I, like millions, love Eat, Pray, Love. A women's life is in crisis, and a complete overhaul is needed. She leaves the country a spends a year exploring 3 different aspects of the human experience. She leaves the comfortable, the norm, to try to reset her life. In a less dramatic fashion, that is this room for me. I really, really needed to shake things up. I was very stuck in a sad place.
So, other than this room, what gives me life? Water. I am convinced I am part mermaid. Water soothes me, calms my worried heart, and I can actually breathe. Throw in a sunset, and I'm full-on zen. Inspiring friends. I want to talk about big ideas and dream and encourage each other to do. Oh, and you need to be funny and a bit adventurous. A homebody I am not. Except when I'm sad, then give me netfllix and snacks. Date night. I dig my husband. He is my absolutely favorite person to talk to about all things life. I realize this is a very unique treasure and I cherish it, not perfectly because, you know I'm only human. Aesthetics. I like I the pretty things - home decor, clothes, oh Lord, yes the clothes. I love the patterns, colors, and mixing and matching them all. Lifting. This one is a newly realized delight in my life. I have tried all different exercise trends, and at 37, I finally found something I will consistently do -lift. I am over caring that I will get too bulky. I don't think anyone I know is at true risk of looking like Hans and Frans. The Lord made me sturdy and I'd rather that be toned sturdy, so I'm going with that. Travel. It doesn't have to be exotic, but I love discover new places and doing some good old fashioned people watching. It reminds me of God's creativity and vastness. He knows and loves each and every soul.
What, then, is sucking me dry? My dang-gone scarcity mind-set. I regularly think the bottom will drop out, things will get worse, or continue to get worse with no end. This is deeply routed in some things I lived through, but still, it's not real. Working too much. Yes, I have a part-time job, but the hours I need to complete in a week go well beyond the amount of hours my daughter is in school. This manifests in a daily tension of what gets my attention - work? child? husband? cleaning? cooking? other errands? Oye. Too many homogeneous spaces. It happens, I know, but I can't handle the we all think like this comments. This is likely the disrupter and questioner in me that bucks hard against this.
So, I pray for better balance and hopefully each day I'll be better than the day before.
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